


Knocking on Heaven's Door

by Spider_jedi_thefastestgreen_avatar



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Anger, Betrayal, Death, F/F, F/M, Leadership, Love, Post-Betrayal, Post-Canon, War
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-02
Updated: 2015-04-02
Packaged: 2018-03-20 22:27:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3667548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spider_jedi_thefastestgreen_avatar/pseuds/Spider_jedi_thefastestgreen_avatar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Parallel-Canon and Post-Canon of the last couple episodes of the 100 season 2. Clarke and Lexa's inner thoughts throughout the last few episodes and onward after Clarke leaves camp Jaha.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. May We Meet Again

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know how long this will go, I probably won't ever finish it anyways because I suck as a person.
> 
> Updates will be sporadic just like my life. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from the 100, the concept, or the storylines. Except for the Post-Canon storyline featured in this fanfic.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Wanna know why I saved you? Because I need you."

"May we meet again." The Commander said, before she turned and left the blonde and the other Sky People - one of which was the father of one of the 47 still inside - standing outside of the Mountain with nothing. No army, no people. Clarke wanted to scream, but her voice felt caught in her throat. She wanted to be angry - on the surface, she was - but deep down, she couldn't be. She couldn't be angry because somewhere inside her, she knew that Lexa was right; it is what Clarke would have done. And even if it wasn't, she Sky Girl new that it was what she said only minutes ago that affected the Commander's decision. 

_~_

_"What do you want?"_

_"Nothing. My people back. I can't think past today."_

~

"It can't be over." Her words came out just under her breath, but carried so much. They were full of rage, fear, and above all, hope. The remaining Sky People left to return to camp Jaha, and the blonde now stood outside the Mountain, alone in the cool night. Clarke didn't have an army, but she had hope. Hope that, as unlikely as it was, Lexa had a plan. Hope that if not, she could think of one herself. Cold air burned down her throat and hit her lungs with a crisp sting each time the girl inhaled, and she stood there - stark still - plotting, thinking, hoping.  _It can't be over._

*****

"What were you thinking?" Lincoln spat, before being roughed up by the two Tridgedakru that were dragging him behind Lexa. She said nothing.

Lincoln did not understand her decision because he was blinded by love and insolence, and the Commander would not let herself think on his question due to the consequence of reevaluating herself. A strong Commander did not question their decision once it had been made. But still, she felt an itch, a burn, deep in her chest. It pestered her like a swarm of gnats in the summer, buzzing around within swatting distance, yet unrelenting no matter how much their target swung at them. 

It was cold, but Lexa felt like she would overheat soon if she did not stop the thoughts of Clarke from swimming around in her mind. 

~

_"I made this choice with my head and not my heart."_

~

It was true, that her heart now burned for the Sky Princess. But love is weakness, and tonight only proved that further. Lexa was confident in her decision, at least in her head. And that would have to be enough, for she could not spare herself the luxury of admitting to herself the lack of confidence her heart could put into what she did.


	2. The Cost of Weakness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "By recognizing it for what it is: weakness."
> 
> "What is? Love?"

"I bear it so they don't have to." Dante explained. And then it clicked. It wasn't Cage's idea to give Lexa the ultimatum, it was his father's. Whatever humanity Wallace had when he tried helping Clarke's people was now gone. Just like Lexa, he did what was necessary for his people's survival. Maybe, like her, he did care about the Sky People at one point, but they aren't his priority now, or Lexa's. But they are Clarke's, and if Wallace and Lexa were going to put their people before anyone else, then Clarke would do the same for her's. 

"I have your father. Let my people go, or I'll kill him." She spoke impatiently into a handheld radio, watching Cage from the command room that her, Monty, and Bellamy were now hold up in. 

"How do I know you have him?" He responded. Clarke brought the radio up to Dante to speak.

"Stay the course Cage." The President's face became flushed with fear.

"You won't do it." Cage was challenging her. Just like everyone else.

"You don't know me very well." She paused to emphasize her point, then continued. "This ends now. Release my people." There was a short silence until Cage responded.

"I can't do that." Frustrated with how unwavering he was, Clarke turned to Wallace, pulling the pistol that she held up from her side, pointing it at him. 

"Clarke, we need him!" Bellamy protested, but she was done arguing. 

"And I need his son to believe me." Looking back at Cage on the monitor, she lifted the radio in her other hand. "Don't make me do this." 

"I'll take care of our people." The pain of his decision was evident in his voice - just like it was in Lexa's when she left - and Clarke could hardly accept what she was about to do. 

"I didn't want this."  She said, and it was true. The tears stinging her eyes and the shaking of her hand proved it. But the bitterness in her voice and the sudden firm clench of her jaw alluded to a part of her that did want it. 

"Neither did I-" but before he could finish, she pulled the trigger and put a bullet in his chest. For a brief moment, her mind wandered to Lexa.  _Is this how she feels right now?_

~

_"Be strong, Commander. " The man said. Lexa's moment of hesitation to drive her sword through the traitor's chest flickered in her eyes just long enough for Clarke to catch it. For this was not just a traitor, it was Gustus. He was a friend, a warrior, perhaps more. But in the face of justice, Lexa could not allow her guilt or her emotions to stop her from doing what must be done._

_But in the brief moment where she hesitated, Clarke saw a new side to Lexa. Clarke saw someone who put a cage around her own heart and left the key within an arm's reach, only to torture and test herself. And she wondered if she would ever have to feel that._

~

Bellamy looked at her, his soft eyes filled with both concern and understanding, and his jaw clenched with determination. Stiffening, she spoke into the radio again.

"Listen to me very carefully. I will not stop until my people are free. If you don't let them go, I will irradiate level five." 

*****

Indra was speaking in a strong but hushed tone at her side about how she had made the right decision, that the Skaikru could not be trusted. It was then that Lexa noticed the absence of her General's second. Lexa said nothing on the matter. Indra seemed irritated, almost hurt, but put on a strong front. If it was not a concern to the Commander, then it would not be a concern to her General. 

The army of Tridgedakru trumped through the forest, heavy boots hitting the soil with loud thumps. Branches cracked, leaves rustled, but aside from the forest noises and heavy breathing, it was silent. Lexa was not concerned for their approval, she knew that they would all follow her no matter what decision she made.

It was not their approval that worried her, but her own. 

~

_"Maybe life should be about more than just surviving." Clarke paused, looking down. "Don't we deserve better than that."_

_"Maybe we do." And in that moment, Lexa's heart reached for the key and broke itself free, succumbing to the torture and failing its own test._

_Her lips molded into Clarke's, and when the blonde kissed her back, the world seemed to stop. Her feelings for the Sky Princess had been boiling just bellow the surface for too long, and despite everything, she thought that perhaps in this moment, it was okay to be weak._

_Weakness does not come without a cost, however, and when Clarke pulled away, Lexa was reminded of that. Clarke was not ready, and as much as it pained her, Lexa let her be. For there was a battle to be won, people to be saved, and if the Commander let herself divulge in her thoughts of Clarke, it would prove consequential to her own people._

~

She almost turned down the Mountain Men's deal. Her blood boiled and she almost slit each of their throats. But love is weakness, and the confliction and pain that she felt when she almost didn't take the deal was the cost of her weakness. Despite herself, she had to leave the woman she loved behind, along with the rest of the Skaikru. 

Her blood boiled at the thought of the Mountain Men and what they had done, yes, but now it also boiled at the thought of herself, and what she had done.


	3. Desperate Measures

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What you would have done."

"Monty, can you irradiate level five?" The younger boy nodded, and began to work.

"Wait a second Clarke, we need to think about this! There are kids in there, people who helped us!" Bellamy reasoned, pleaded.

"Then please, give me a better idea." Clarke responded frantically. But the older boy couldn't think of anything. He could only pause, looking at her with fear and pain deep in his eyes. 

~

_"Victory stands on the back of sacrifice."_

_Clarke was horrified at herself for going along with Lexa's plan to leave the village of Ton DC before the missile came without warning anyone else. So many innocent people were hurt and killed. Octavia, Kane, her mother, Lincoln. They could all be dead right now and it would be Clarke's fault._

_Watching the burning bodies and horrified screams coming from the village, Clarke was unsure that she could ever make such a decision._

_~_

On the large monitor in the control room, the three Sky people could see their friends and family in a room being held captive. Cage was now in the room, getting ready to drill Clarke's mother, and Kane was trying to negotiate. The blonde knew it would get him nowhere. Cage did not care to negotiate, he wanted revenge.

"What have I done." She breathed, watching her mother be drilled.

"Clarke, if we do this there is no going back!" The older boy explained.

On the monitors, they could see Jasper being taken into the dorm room and chained up, as well as Octavia and Maya being chased and cornered by guards and mountain men. She blonde snapped her attention away from the monitor and over to Monty at the sound of keys clacking subsided.

"Why are you stopping?" She demanded.

"Because I did it. All we have to do, is pull this." Monty explained, gesturing to a small lever on the desk. A loud crash came from the door - Emerson was trying to break it down.

"He's gonna blow the door." Bellamy deadpanned.

The Sky Girl reached for the lever timidly, watching the scenes on the monitor unfold. Her heart rose to her throat at the sight of her mother slowly dying, and at Maya and Octavia surrendering to the guards. Bellamy looked scared, but also brave.

"My sister, my responsibility." He muttered just under his breath as Clarke was about to pull the lever.

"I have to save them." She was shaking. She never wanted it to come to this. Not again. Now it was her turn to make the hard decision. But before she could pull, Bellamy placed a strong hand over Clarke's trembling one, steadying it. 

~

_Clarke held the remote detonator firm in her hand and looked to Lexa._

_"For those we've lost." The blonde said. The Commander looked into her blue eyes for only a short moment, and then reached to place her hand over Clarke's._

_"And those we will soon find." She added, before they pressed the button in unison. Together._

~

"Together." He said, his voice strong but revealing a touch of hesitation. In unison, they pulled the lever back, and it was over.

*****

Lexa sat in her tent that stood slightly taller than the rest of her people's. It was a temporary set up, one that would be taken down the next morning and put back up the next night. The Commander was returning to Polis, and on the way, the other Nations would depart and go their separate ways, returning to their respective clans. It would be a five day trip by foot. 

Outside, she could hear the quiet commotion of the Tridgedakru. Indra had left her to be alone. Lexa did not care what her General was doing, she did not care what her people were discussing or celebrating, for she sought isolation. Taking in a sharp breath, she looked through the sky view in the top of her tent. The stars shone brightly, but not for her, for she did not deserve such a thing. 

~

_"You should come with me to the capital." She paused to look from the large mountain door to Clarke. "Polis will change the way you think about us."_

_"You already have." The Sky Princess returned Lexa's gaze, soft sky blue eyes meeting bright green, each with flashes of orange fire flickering in them. And for just a second, the Commander forgot about war and pain and heartache. But she was soon reminded of it when the button was pressed and nothing happened. They pressed it repeatedly until Lexa finally tore her hand away._

_"What's wrong, why isn't it working?" She demanded_

_"They're jamming us." Clarke stood and moved from behind the boulder, an action which Lexa viewed as reckless. She nearly jumped up to pull Clarke back down, but resisted. "I have to get closer." She explained. But just as the Sky Girl tried again, gun fire was raining down on the army, and the Commander was at war again._

_~_

No, the stars did not shine for Lexa, for they shone for Clarke. They shone for her bravery and her spirit. And in that moment, laying back on the thick furs in her shelter looking at the stars that were shining for the Sky Princess, she hated them. She hated them for they reminded her of her heart, and they broke it. Her heart broke for Clarke. She could have been tortured and killed, and Lexa would have to carry that with her now, just as she did Costia.


	4. Running To-And-Fro

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You're good for her, you make her strong."
> 
> "She was already strong."

So many people died. Children, families, innocents. All Clarke could think about on her way back to Camp Jaha was the body count. She could see their faces, burned and deformed from the radiation. Maya. She killed them, all of them. Yes, Cage pushed her, but she was the one who pulled the lever. The images of body upon body played through her mind like an old slide show. The people of Mount Weather, the three hundred grounders that she burned at the drop ship, the two hundred and fifty people at Ton DC, the three hundred Arkers floating through space, Finn. The bodies piled up, and she couldn't climb to the top of that hill if she tried. 

Despite herself, she did not build the impossibly high hill on her own. Bellamy now carried the weight of those people's lost lives too, as did Lexa. Clarke wondered if Lexa felt as she did now, weighed down and undescribeably empty. Bellamy did, this she knew simply by looking at him.

~

_"Whatever the hell we want!" The chant roared through the trees, echoing out into the dark forest. The crowd chanted and yelled, danced and fought._

~

"Whatever the hell we want" and senseless violence turned into "I bear it so they don't have to" and calculated violence before any of them could blink. They'd all grown up so fast - too fast. Bellamy walked with her in a heavy silence, strong and tall. If she couldn't rely on her own legs to hold her up, she knew he would catch her. He always did.

Still, his unwavering loyalty and outstanding strength was not enough to keep her mind from wandering to the Commander. Lexa left her, and she needed closure. Was she insane for leaving Bellamy and the rest of her people who she worked so hard to save, only to find the person who betrayed her without even knowing what she would do when she found her?

"If you need forgiveness, I'll give that to you. You're forgiven. Now please, come inside." His warm eyes begged, his voice pleaded. But she had to go, if not to find Lexa, then to find herself. 

"May we meet again." The Sky Girl reciprocated his pleading voice and begging eyes with sorrow and stinging tears, a strong embrace and a lingering kiss on his scratched up cheek. For a moment, she hesitated, thinking that if she'd stay and be with her people, everything would be alright. But the hesitation passed, and she turned to depart into the tall, looming trees with the harsh sun beating down on her face.

*****

Day broke, and Lexa was awoken by the sound of birds chirping. The sun broke through the animal skin tent, beaming a ray directly through the sky view above her bed. Inhaling deeply, she opened her eyes to see Indra's silhouette standing outside the entrance. Quickly getting out of bed and putting her armor on, she exited her shelter to see that the rest of the Tridgedakru had cleaned up their camp and were ready to move. 

Without speaking to her General, Lexa glanced over to the tree where Licoln had been tied up. He was gone. The Commander clenched her jaw, but remained silent as she looked back to Indra. She was prepared to lecture her General, question her if necessary, but decided against such action. How he escaped was irrelevant now, it was the why that concerned Lexa.

She was brimming with anger towards him, but also towards herself. To make such a decision in the name of love was irrational and dishonourable. But somewhere inside her, she commended him for it. She could not yet decide if her self directed anger was due to this, or due to the fact that she could not do the same for Clarke.

~

 _"May we meet again." Lexa had seen the Skaikru use the words as a way of saying goodbye. It seemed to be a way of eliciting hope and promise._ _This was not the case. This time, it was meant to convey an apology, one that Lexa hoped Clarke would at least hear if not accept._

_It was becoming difficult to hold back the tears that were swelling in her eyes, tears she had been holding back since Costia. Lexa had remained steadfast in locking weakness away, even in the wake of meeting the Sky Princess. Until recently, that is. After Costia, the Commander came to terms with love and what it meant in terms of her role as a leader, but Clarke was beginning to shatter that ideal. Clarke was dangerous, and Lexa had to let her go before she herself unraveled._

_~_

Lincoln, despite the disloyalty he showed towards his people and his Commander, ran towards love, whereas Lexa ran from it. Perhaps that was the greatest disloyalty one could show.


	5. Ashes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "This is war Clarke, people die."

Clarke felt like she had been walking for days, when in reality, it had only been hours. The position of the sun had changed from being high up in the sky, to setting slowly in the west. Her feet ached from the walking, but her body was tired from everything else. 

The world seemed quiet, serene, almost enough for the blonde to settle down for the night. But the sun had not set yet, and Clarke would make as much ground as she could before the dark came. At this point, the Sky Girl was still unsure of what exactly it was that she was trying to find. But maybe it wasn't about what she was looking for at all, but rather what she was so desperately trying to get away from. 

~

_Clarke's ears rang as she slowly lifted herself and her mother off the ground. The air in her lungs was thick with smoke and dirt, and the world was spinning and shaking._

_"Mom, mom are you okay?" She paused to evaluate Abby's condition. "Oh my God. Come on, we can't be here. We have to go."_

_"You knew?" Turning to Clarke, Abby drove her eyes right through her daughter's chest. "You knew and you let this happen?" She spat._

_"We had no choice." The blonde reasoned, almost begged._

_"So many people. Our people." Abby breathed, standing up to face Clarke. "Please tell me this was Lexa. Tell me this wasn't you."_

_"I wish I could." Clarke finally said after a strangling moment of silence._

_"You crossed a line. Their blood is on your hands - and even if we win - I'm afraid you won't be able to wash it off this time."_

~

And she couldn't. Not then, and certainly not now. Clarke breathed in a strong, fresh breath of air, but shook as she let it out. The crisp forest air felt good in her lungs, but stung knowing that she could breath it, and that so many others no longer could.

Despite all of the regret that she felt in that simple breath, she also felt a painful twinge of pride. Her people were breathing, and the Mountain Men weren't. They never would. The Sky Girl slumped against a tall, thick tree as she watched the sun finally set behind the mountain. The forest was now engulfed in darkness. Clarke closed her eyes slowly, unsure if her dreams would be as dark as the forest, and as full of death as the mountain. 

*****

Lexa did not like the night. Her dreams were consistently haunted by decisions she'd made, and people she'd lost. After last night, she refused to let herself retire to her shelter and rest. Instead, the Commander sat by the small fire at the center of the small camp, watching it crackle and burn. She had been sitting alone for quite some time now, for the rest of her people had gone to sleep. All but Indra, who stood stoicly behind her. 

"If you wish to speak, do so." 

"You must sleep, Heda. There is still much traveling to be done, and you must be strong and rested." 

"Sleep does not bring me rest or strength. Not anymore." Lexa deadpanned. Lexa rarely spoke to Indra of anything other than tactical matters, and was beginning to feel uncomfortable. Her restraint to avoid any matters of the heart or mind was wavering at this hour, and should she show weakness to her General of all people, there would likely be consequences. "Indra, go to sleep."

"You need protection, Commander."

"I am capable of protecting myself." She stood to face the older, dark skinned woman. Her jaw clenched, but the usual commanding look in her eyes faltered, and Indra stood there, unsure of how to respond. "Please, leave me." Lexa felt her dominance give way, and she gritted her teeth as she lowered her voice to a growling, choked plea. Indra swallowed hard, but eventually lowered her head and turned to oblige her Commander's request.

"May I say one more thing, Heda?" Indra turned back to Lexa and bowed slightly. The younger woman hesitated, but nodded her permission. "You are strong, Commander, and wise. But your strength is wavering, and I can see your heart. It is burdened, and should you let it stay that way, you will fall under the weight." Indra spoke slowly, but confidently. Lexa mustered every ounce of dominance she had left in an attempt to strike a punishing glare at her General, but it was not enough. "I apologize, Commander, but it had to be said." 

The General was right, Lexa's heart was burdened. It had been since she became the Commander, and it always would be, for the decisions she had made and would have to continue making are the weights that are tied around it. Now, however, she was weakened by the Sky Princess. Clarke questioned her, made her reevaluate her carefully calculated decisions. Lexa regretted many things, but never did she let them weigh her down. She knew that everything she did had to be done. Until she let the missile hit Ton DC.

~

_Lexa's head was spinning, and the air was thick and heavy with soot and smoke. She could hear screams coming from the nearby village, cries unlike anything she had heard before. She had sentenced many to death in the past, but this was different, for now she had sentenced innocent people to death._

_Amongst the screams and cries and the sharp ringing in her ears, there was a painful lump in her throat and a growing worry in her gut._

_Clarke._

_Lexa tried to stop her from going back to the village, but Clarke was determined and stubborn. And now she could be dead. The Commander had so much blood on her hands, the blood of those who had crimes to pay for, and now the blood of her own people._

_Her heart had been strong through it all, but the Sky Princess was slowly breaking it, and should Lexa have Clarke's blood staining her hands as well as everyone else's, she would surely crumble._

~

The fire burned, and it reminded her of her Ton DC. The smell of burning wood was nothing compared to the potent stench of burning flesh, but it was enough to remind her of it. Ashes floated into the air, and Lexa's chest clenched and her eyes stung with small glistening tears. Clarke did not die at Ton DC, and neither did Lexa, but a part of them did. In the silent darkness of the night, Lexa wondered if she would ever be able to find herself under the layers of wreckage she had buried herself in, behind all of the walls she had built up. She wondered if Clarke had found her, and if she liked what she found.

Silence was often a friend to the Commander, for it allowed her to think, plan, calculate. She could not, however, find such solace in tonight's silence, for this silence was loud. Her thoughts were plagued with Clarke begging her not to leave, and the forest was haunted with the screams and cries of the many lives lost in it. Lexa wondered if there was anything left to be found, and if it was even worth looking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter was a lot more difficult to write because it's the first one that's gone past the season finale, and basically I just hope it's still up to par with the previous chapters xD
> 
> So yeah, I hope you enjoy! Feedback on this chapter especially would be much appreciated! :)


End file.
